The Pluses (Pli) and Minuses (Mini) of English

Recently, I was rooting all over through my backpack looking for several of my danged class syllabuses that were mysteriously missing, when it occurred to me what the problem was: I was in fact looking for several syllabi. This is based on the fact that words ending in “us,” when there are more than one of them, quite logically have their “us’es” replaced with “i’s,” as is clearly illustrated by the words cacti, octopi, fungi, multipli and Fung Schuei. (Our sources can’t fully verify that last one). Let’s illustrate this further with a little exercise:

When you are out catching the bus, and there is more than one bus, you would logically not be catching several buses, right? You would in fact be catching several bi. (The only problem with that is, obviously, one cannot physically catch several bi, but would only catch one bus.) But the point is made. And if it’s all of us catching the bi, and there’s more than one of us, then it would not be us at all: but rather i! So the correct grammar in this instance is “all seven of i were catching the bi, and we dun missed every derned one of em. All of i then had to walk, through miles of cacti, fungi, octopi, mooses, and wallri. To top it all off, we were each named Russ, making us a group of Ri.”

In summary, English is definitely not a language for wusses. I mean wi.